Are you sadden or upset if you attend a friend’s children’s party, or shopping malls are filled with baby strollers and pregnant women?
Do you tend to get affected emotionally when friends or members of your wider family, keep on making indiscreet remarks like, «Aren’t you having any children of your own?”
Do you spend too much time worrying about when you will finally get pregnant?
Are you feeling helpless, incompetent or even out of control?
Below, you will find some useful tips on how to manage your feelings, how to effectively deal with social situations that bring you in a difficult position and how to feel a stronger sense of control when childbearing efforts do not prosper.
But first of all, some thoughts….
Emotions concerning conception efforts can, for some women and couples, be more complicated than when a rapid, spontaneous, natural conception occurs.
You, like all women trying to conceive, have a lot to deal with:
Taking days off work to make it to your doctor’s appointments, undergoing repeated ultrasounds and diagnostic procedures, having to be consistent with your treatment throughout the procedure.
And, as if the cost and the burden of solving your fertility problems is not enough, you must also deal with managing your emotions with everyone telling you not to get stressed and remain calm), with either a husband who often does not participate enough in the whole procedure -at least not as much as you would like him to-, or with friends and family who seem to never stop making indiscreet comments in social occasions, which can be unbearably painful sometimes.
With all the above, perhaps you start feeling not as beautiful and attractive anymore. The main goal of your life gradually begins to revolve solely around your attempt to become pregnant.
Other times you wonder “Have I done something in the past to unwittingly cause my infertility problems?”, “Am I to blame?”, “What did I do to deserve this? Am I getting punished for something I did? “.
Feelings of guilt might arise after having spent so many years trying to find the “perfect” job, getting your degree, or building a successful career, rather than creating a family.
It is not uncommon to review negative thoughts, behaviors and emotions from our past and wonder if they are, in some manner, connected with the difficulties -like our infertility for instance-, we face at present.
Negative emotions and grief can be overwhelming at times, as they mainly involve the worry and anxiety whether pregnancy will be achieved this month, and if not now, then when;
So how can you balance your emotions, have the support you need, and manage the stressful social situations;
Problem # 1: Handling your frustration when you see your period after a treatment
You have visited your doctor or the assisted reproduction unit for your screening many times during the last month. You are optimistic that this will be your last cycle of medical monitoring / treatment, as you find it very difficult financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually to continue trying without ever reaching the desired result.
Anxiously you wait to see if your period will commence or if you will finally get the positive pregnancy outcome you were hoping and praying for. That is on your mind constantly as you come closer and closer to the commencement of your cycle.
When your period finally starts arrives, feelings of sadness, frustration, and anger succeed one another.
Allow your tears to fall, anger to come out. Do not try to hide it, do not be afraid of it. It is part of a healing process. Express your feelings, talk to people you trust, who know you, care about you and are willing to be there for you.
This will help you commence a new cycle and a subsequent attempt with your emotional tank free of bad feelings, with more mental strength and optimism.
Problem # 2: The feeling of being “out of control”
You may feel that you have no control over whether or when you will become pregnant. You feel that you have no control over your body. You want to conceive and your body does not cooperate with you.
Probably up to now, you managed to conquer most things that you wanted to accomplish in your life, such as the completion of your studies or finding the “right” job.
By setting realistic goals in our lives, we believe that if we work hard, we can achieve them. It is frustrating knowing that a pregnancy has nothing to do with working or trying hard. There are many women who never thought of becoming mothers, and without even trying they get pregnant so easily or even spontaneously. This may seem so unfair. This feeling that someone has no control over when or if she becomes pregnant, is very stressful, frustrating, or even in some cultures, demeaning for many women.
So, for this reason, you should focus your attention on something that you can be in control of, such as to create a well-balanced physical and emotional life, instead of continuously keep thinking the “whens” and the “ifs”.
Take a look at the lifestyle you follow, unhealthy habits that perhaps you may have. Ask yourself what type of exercise you should be following for a healthier lifestyle.
Evaluate how effective your coping strategies for managing stress. Do a good cleanup holding on only to the effective ones and rejecting all the ineffective ones.
You do not need them! They are holding you back and slowing you down. Ask yourself, how easily could you run whilst carrying a bag full of heavy stones?
Problem # 3: Indiscreet comments, unwanted questions and advice
Even family or best friends can, benevolently ask indiscreet questions and make comments or remarks which are offensive at times, and can hurt or upset you.
You may have thought about not answering their phone calls or avoid meeting (with) them using various excuses. You may feel you want to isolate yourself, to remain in the safe environment of your home, where no unwanted advice is given, where you do not have to pretend, or no pregnant women and babies are in site.
As one woman aptly described it: “It is difficult to attend gatherings where everybody talks about their children, the baby they are expecting, whether it is a boy or girl, how they decorated the baby room, etc.
Nobody seems to care about what I am going through. They are under the impression that the only thing my husband and I are concerned with, is our careers and having a good time, instead of focusing on having a child.
My family seems to think that I am the one who has the problem. They do not seem to comprehend that all I want is nothing more than what every woman wants… a baby! ”
Working on how to properly manage stress, can be used to your benefit, rather than letting it wear you physically and emotionally.
7 quick tips on how to cope with your stress more effectively:
